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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 17, 2017

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

They say that God lives inside each and every one of us. Keep digging away until you find Him.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Your fear and distrust of banks will result in you keeping all of your money, blood, and sperm beneath your mattress.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Sometimes it’s not so much what you say, but how you say it. Also, whether you’re naked, high on methamphetamines, and standing in an abandoned parking lot at the time.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

In nature, bright and iridescent colors are usually a warning sign to stay away, which explains why you’re still single after all these years.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The stars know this relationship isn’t always easy, baby, but give it a chance. They promise you won’t regret it.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

This week, take a deep breath, look straight into the mirror, and release Bloody Mary from her otherworldly imprisonment.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You’ll find profound beauty in the hideous and the grotesque this week, you perverted freak.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Neither this morning, nor later this afternoon, when you’re busy washing the stars’ truck.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

What you first believe to be identity theft will soon turn out to be just another self-righteous asshole with commitment issues.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Twins are often able to sense when the other is in danger, but you’ll continue punching yours in the face long after he’s dead.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

It’s not easy being a woman these days, what with you calling them up all the time and repeatedly begging for a second chance.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Skunks are known to spray whenever they feel cornered, though why you decided to approach them with your latest screenplay idea is anyone’s guess.