Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2020

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Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your trip to the astral healer will be a major spiritual success, but your physical body will be destroyed by a truck on the way home.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your loud public whining about “getting the hell out of this podunk town” will finally drive your fellow Manhattanites over the edge.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Yet another set of those annoying bony growths will fall off your head this week. Consider getting out of the caribou business.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You can’t for the life of you figure out why they call it a loveseat, as it does not love you and never will.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Avoid people who find meaningful patterns in the randomness of Nature.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Jupiter ascending in your sign indicates that the Cosmos couldn’t give a good god damn what happens to you.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The stars indicate you should purge yourself of the sin of vanity. After all, you’ve got a face like a hog’s ass.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

For the last time: It simply isn’t true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

After a long, hard search for a hot meal and a place to sleep, you finally just reheat yesterday’s pizza and sack out on the couch.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Though you’ve prayed earnestly all your life, it has never worked. Consider having your hands surgically enlarged.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are, as you should know damn good and well that they’re out to get you.