Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Beware: Time is running out to order Girl Scout cookies from Hazel so that she can earn the stuffed penguin—and already, Thin Mints may be unavailable.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your death next week will seem inexplicable until people remember the ill-advised 1985 "cross your heart and hope to die" pledge you made to be best friends with Jenny Bosben.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your fear of pubic speaking won't be helped by your habit of saying things that make large groups of people want to attack you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The appearance of a tall dark stranger in your life will lead to a time of mystery and intrigue as you and he discuss the real meanings of the words "dark," "stranger," and even "tall."
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Love has always meant different things to different people, but for God's sake, at no point in human history has it ever meant that.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It is written that you will wield a sword of light and unite the world under your wise and compassionate rule, but hey, when you get right down to it, lots of shit has been written.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
When you said no one could understand the way you felt, you were ignoring the many generations before you who also had late-night cravings for Little Debbies.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Mercury rising in your sign means you'll do exactly what you want to at any given moment, just like you always do, you flighty bastard.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
This is a terrible time to start new phases of your life, especially those that involve eating whole frozen Pepperidge Farm chocolate cakes before they even have time to defrost.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Due to unusual and convoluted circumstances too involved to go into here, you'll spend the next three years imprisoned in an aging 1960s girl group.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your heart, at least, will be in the right place next week when you attempt to overcome your fear of commitment by marrying everyone you know.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though you've been trying to find yourself for decades, you'll be disappointed to tears when you find yourself living in Flagstaff and working at a screen-door factory.