Aries | March 21 to April 19
The stars would love nothing more than to reveal your future this week, but unfortunately, they’re just large luminous balls of plasma held together by gravity in space.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You might be nervous and intimidated and even a little scared, but take heart: Those women are just as frightened of you as you are of them.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A popular new idiom will soon be coined, thanks to you, that broken-down apple pie cart, and all those quarters tumbling out of your ass.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
All the praying in the world can’t save you now. Quick, turn to demon worship and the black arts before it’s too late.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Alcohol, a case of mistaken identity, and two screaming ends of a pantomime horse will figure heavily this coming Thursday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
As an educator, you always hoped you’d make a difference someday, which just goes to show that no one is ever to old to learn something new.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will once again bring out the very best in your local police, fire, and sanitation control departments.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Admitting to past mistakes is never easy, so it’s a good thing you happen to be an unrepentant bitch.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your hard work and dedication will finally pay off this week when you’re accepted into Harbard. Unfortunately for you, though, that’s not a typo.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars indicate that this is a good week to start up new and steamy romances. Your office’s sexual harassment policy, however, indicates otherwise.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Long after the dust has settled, the smoke has cleared, and everyone has said their piece, you’ll still be standing there, asking a bunch of ridiculous questions.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The little voices inside your head will continue to disagree over what to set fire to first.