Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week thanks to a series of well-placed commas.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
They say you have a head for numbers, but that’s because “head for tumors” isn’t really an expression.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars apologize for last week’s prediction of “money problems.” Looks like they forgot the “k” in there.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Text “LIBRA” now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’re no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Things will look up this week, before baring their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you’ll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as “it” involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.