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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 14, 2015

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Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your weekly visit to the cemetery goes bad when you tell your problems to your mom’s grave just as the sarcastic zombies begin to rise.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’ve been feeling bad about wasting your life, but there’s really nothing useful you could have done with it, anyway.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

The inexplicable rain that always pours from underneath your umbrella will finally stop, moments before your derby hat catches fire.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You know those guys in Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert? The stars think those guys must be, like, gay.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

The search for meaning in life is a worthy pursuit, but the search for meaning in your particular life is a real waste of time.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

It turns out Jean-Baptiste Lamarck, who classified the clouds, named the cold, fat, puffy little damp ones after you.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

The engineering principles behind the suspension bridge make it possible for you to plummet from a great height into extremely deep water this week.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

You will continue to honor the great American democratic tradition of blindly trusting and obeying those you deem superior to yourself.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

True to your mediocre nature, you will soon be confronted with a difficult choice between the Homely Lady and the Passive, Undersized Tiger.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

For the last time, that’s not “ball lightning.” It’s a form of static electricity unique to your unusually hirsute groin.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your new pheromone-based scent will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’re starting to think that if men had been meant to swim through solid rock as if it were water, they would have been born with fulminating lava ducts.