Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You tend to think of yourself as a big neurotic mess, but don’t sell yourself short. You’re also a big psychotic mess on top of it all.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars don’t believe they actually have to say this, but just because you find a recipe that makes pancakes for 1,500 people doesn’t mean you actually have to make that many.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you’ll still manage to be considered a success.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your problem, if you’re honest with yourself, isn’t that you love too much. It’s that you make love to people’s mailboxes too frequently.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Don’t worry: You’re more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some tightly wound and dangerous psychoses in there, too.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
It’s true that your heart is mature beyond your years, which is nice, except in the case of your rapidly aging mistrial and aortic valves.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Someday in the future, humanity will have a healthy attitude toward sexuality, but until then, you have an idea that could make you incredibly rich.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your confusion over the exact meaning of the term “elope” will become apparent this week when parts of the bodies begin to turn up in the desert.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it’s so creepy in there that She only takes about six minutes to get out again.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Just keep telling yourself it’s all going to be all right until you finally get it through your head once and for all that you can’t trust anything you say.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although it’s true you can successfully hide certain things in plain sight without anyone noticing, it turns out not to be true of a whole Girl Scout troop’s worth of corpses.