Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There’s nothing more American than a warm slice of apple pie, which makes the three tons of explosives found in its possession that much more shocking.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will put your best foot forward this morning, though you’ll still have to drag the other frightening mass of flesh and bone behind it.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After years of hesitation, you’ll finally come out of your shell this week, falling prey almost immediately to a swooping falcon attack.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You shall drink from the fountain of wisdom this week, repeatedly missing your big dumb mouth, and completely soaking your ridiculous shirt.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It’s impossible to lose something you never really had.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Remember: Being a doctor is more than just putting on a white lab coat and going door-to-door checking in on patients. You’ll need a stethoscope, too.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller’s The Crucible.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Since the dawn of time, man has dreamed of flying. Sadly, after this week’s events, it’ll mostly just be nightmares.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Self-improvement may be a noble goal, but the stars aren’t so sure the leg rests, dual cup-holders, and wood paneling are what people had in mind.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While you’re relieved to hear that the test results were negative, the mile-wide skywriting does seem a little excessive.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week’s stroke revealing on a few different levels.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will scream the name of a loved one from the rooftops this week. Unfortunately for you, she’ll still refuse to let you back into the apartment.