Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Balloon animals, unicycles, chimpanzees, and blood will figure prominently in your future after you run afoul of an assassin who specializes in making his kills look like especially hilarious accidents.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Not only will romance, adventure, and thrills refuse to come to you, they will also refuse to come to theaters near you.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Everyone must eventually choose between what they really must do and what they merely want to do. In your case, this will mean choosing between eating pancakes and eating the World’s Largest Pancake.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
When the investigators come to sift through the twisted, disgusting wreckage, they’ll be amazed that your fat ass could do so much damage by simply “sitting around the house.”
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
As it turns out, it’s far less fun than you might think when all the simplistic philosophy espoused by your favorite novelty T-shirts becomes relevant this week.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll nearly go deaf from the dozens of commercial flights circling your house before finally working up the humility to apologize to the all the air traffic controllers you’ve insulted.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll successfully tap into the profitable intersection of hygiene and self-hatred, becoming quite wealthy from sales of your innovative scrape-on deodorant.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The universe, in its unknowable ancient wisdom, has a plan for everyone. For now, however, it’s probably best that you just keep sitting there eating things.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll be paralyzed with doubt and indecision next week as you try to determine exactly when it’s okay to wear brown wing tips.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Sometimes the world ignores accomplishment and you just have to reward yourself for everything you’ve done. In simpler terms, please go throw yourself down a few flights of stairs.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You thought you’d seen it all and nothing could surprise you anymore, but it’s still amazing how few people can simply walk up to a counter and order a cup of coffee.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars aren’t sure if you’ve lost weight or done something to your hair or what, but whatever it is, you’re looking good. Also, do you happen to have 50 bucks they could borrow until Friday?