Aries | March 21 to April 19
You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren’t for you and a dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
After exhausting every other conceivable option, you’ll finally give in this week and take a shower.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Animal rights activists will accuse you of cruel and inhumane conduct, even though the chicken is already dead, and that’s just the way you eat wings.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting The I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Once all the goats are rounded up, the German tourists are extradited, and the syrup trucks are returned, you’ll have to admit that you never saw that one coming.