Cancer

All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it’s not what you think.

Leo

You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.

Virgo

Once again, you’ll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.

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Libra

It’s not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It’s the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.

Scorpio

Truth be told, you haven’t been a very good father, but it’s not your fault that the mothers of your children haven’t informed you of their existence.

Sagittarius

You’ll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.

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Capricorn

A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there’s a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.

Aquarius

Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn’t mind if you got rid of that beard, but you’ve been married to her for almost 10 years now.

Pisces

Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn’t be able to see it with the naked eye like that.

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Aries

You try to be an accepting person, but you still don’t see why some people can’t be a nice, normal gender instead of women.

Taurus

Turns out that while dogs can’t actually smell fear, they’re really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.

Gemini

When you think about it, there’s really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they’ll remember for hundreds of years.

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