Aries | March 21 to April 19
Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars indicate that you’ve really done it this time. I mean, just look around, for God’s sake. How did this even happen?
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars foresee many amazing things ahead of you this week, but really, they’re too good to just tell you about in advance.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’re about to make one woman very happy, and hundreds of thousands of other women extremely relieved.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing press accident.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say that you’re going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don’t worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out of control and crashes into the ground every time you’re about to speak.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don’t let other people influence your future. That’s what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex wife pay for everything she’s done to you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Lately it seems as though you’re running out of steam. Shovel more coal into your firebox to rotate the paddle wheel.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.