Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember: Don’t let any man ever tell you what to do. Or who to do it to. Or what the hell they’re even talking about in the first place.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Sure, they’re quite festive-looking, and they certainly help to spread holiday cheer, but maybe it’s time you got those antlers checked.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The game of soccer, when played with skill and grace, is like poetry in motion. Which explains all the bored-stiff people just pretending to follow along.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll popularize a new dance craze this week, thanks in large part to the large, feral raccoon clawing at your back.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Virgo is often known for its stubborn and headstrong nature. Yes, it is. Yes, it fucking is.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’re about to enter a strange upside-down universe, one where white is black, black is white, and people don’t need to remind you when to chew.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Doctors will refuse to operate on you this week, not due to any moral dilemmas, or matters of economics, or even health-related fears. They’re just vindictive bastards.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ve never worked a day in your life, though that’s mainly because you keep getting the damn graveyard shift.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember: There’s no use in kicking and screaming and crying all day long. They’re going to change your diaper when they get to it.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Everyone would stop telling you to keep your hands to yourself, if they only knew what you did with them.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
They say the children are our future. However, what they fail to mention is that it’s a post-apocalyptic future, where the blood of small infants will be used to feed our giant man-machine overlords.