Gemini

Although you’ve always claimed you’d quit when you thought you’d reached your peak, you’ll find it easy to keep going when no one seems to think you’ll ever improve.

Cancer

You take pride in being able to take whatever life throws at you, but you really weren’t expecting this many opossums.

Leo

After all you’ve been through, it’s nice to know that lightning doesn’t strike twice. Strangely, it turns out that’s not true for falling safes or pianos.

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Virgo

You’ve tried leaving poems at the scene, leaving signature marks, and only working on Sundays, but the papers insist on merely calling you “The Nickname-less Killer.”

Libra

You’ve always had a strong fight-or-flight reflex, which turns out to be completely useless when negotiating for the best price on a bedroom set.

Scorpio

You’ve finally risen to the top of your profession only to find the world’s other 450,000 deep-fryer operators are pretty much there, too.

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Sagittarius

You’re really getting tired of the meme of the dead hooker in the trunk, as no one ever seems to acknowledge how much work the whole situation can be.

Capricorn

You’ll experience a breathtaking whirlwind romance this week when it’s endlessly recounted by a long- winded coworker.

Aquarius

You’ve avoided throwing the baby out with the bathwater. However, you’re now left with the problem of how to dispose of a clean but rapidly drying baby.

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Pisces

You won’t be thanked for helping to solve a major social problem when people decide to give all the credit to the guy who made the bumper sticker.

Aries

The inexorable power of destiny would render you powerless to stop the fateful events of next week, were anything ever to actually happen to you.

Taurus

You’ve always believed you should go with your gut in important matters, which is why every major decision in your life has been accompanied by chili-cheese fries.

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