Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’re saving yourself for something, all right, but as the events of the next six weeks will definitively prove, it sure as hell isn’t marriage.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Jupiter rising in your sign is usually an indicator of prosperous ambitions, but when it just keeps coming right at you, it becomes downright terrifying.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You have yet to find a love worthy of your unique affections and depth of spirit. You should strongly consider getting a goldfish.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll discover a drug that allows people in committed relationships to open up to each other and have honest, meaningful conversations. The resulting bankruptcy will nearly kill you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Due to an unusual coincidence, your fortune this week is the same as for Nov. 19, 2005. The bartender will even use the same ax.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your unfounded and irrational fear of being alone for the rest of your life is still completely inconsistent with your justifiable and sensible fear of other people.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There’s little you can do to stop the inexorable unfolding of inevitable fate, but moving the charcoal lighter fluid away from the furnace wouldn’t be a bad start.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll finally get around to catching up on your reading just as the men in lab coats resume their midnight visits and mess it all up again.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Certainly it’s disturbing that you have all those nurses chained up in your basement, but it’s even more disturbing how much they all paid to be there.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Everyone’s happy that you’re finally off the drugs and high on life, but no one has the heart to tell you that you’re putting out some of the shittiest music of your career.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This is a great time for romance in the workplace, but then again, when isn’t it for the world’s most deranged taco truck driver?
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No notable changes.