Cancer | June 21 to July 22
This would be a good time to start a new dietary regimen, seeing as you haven’t eaten in three days.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you’re supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
That person you’ve been seeing will finally introduce you to her friends, so it’s a good thing you have an appreciation for taxidermy.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You might not always appreciate the story God is using you to tell, but you have to admit He isn’t afraid to kill off major characters.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Sometimes the people in your life are holding you back, despite the best of intentions. Try to be patient as you inexorably drag your struggling co-workers toward the edge of the roof.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll become a household name when society is suddenly in need of a term for “someone who gets hit by a bus once a week.”
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
They say if you teach a man to fish he’ll eat for a lifetime, but they also say that to become a master you must defeat your teacher, so ask yourself if you want that hanging over your head before giving any fishing lessons.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You must grasp that actions have consequences. Start by not throwing broken glass over your head and forgetting all about it.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Take heart—old solutions can still work for old problems, especially if getting drunk is your solution to everything.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ll soon move to a faraway city where nobody knows who you are, which makes it kind of odd that they’re all trying to kill you too.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
People can say whatever you want, but you’ll remain firm in your belief that Archie is actually the greatest Manning of all.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
A semitruck full of dimes will hurtle down your street and crash into your house, leaving you with no dreams left to achieve in life.