Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember, a bend in the road isn’t the end of the road. While we’re on the subject, the circular device on the dashboard can be used to turn your car.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Next week’s horrifying accident inspires an outcry for more stringent safety standards in coal-fueled power plans until everyone realizes it was actually just all your fault.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your whole life is thrown into a terrible new perspective when you learn that Enter The Dragon is not intended to be a romantic comedy.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your troubles will all be over next week, and what’s even better, it all happens so fast that investigators will agree you probably didn’t feel a thing.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll get a free beverage refill when ordering a large-sized French fries, but really that’s going to be about it for you this week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You should avoid making any financial decisions next week, as the pain you’ll be in from all the third-degree flash burns will probably affect your judgment.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While the ideal gas law is certainly important, your attempt to apply it to every situation in your life can only lead to disaster.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Former Rams quarterback Norm Van Brocklin will appear to you in a dream and explain to you at embarrassing length why you’re not quite good enough for Bart Starr to appear in your dreams.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
All your hard work will finally pay off this week, but not, of course, for you.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll become embroiled in a steamy office romance next week, which would be better if you weren’t the trusty in charge of bringing the warden his meals.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
It’s going to be hectic and stressful for the next few days, but it’ll all be worth it by Friday when the pope excommunicates you for the coolest reason ever.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’re a bit sad that you never get invited to cool parties, but you’ll be downright angry when you hear about the awesome ones they hold at your place the second you leave every day.