Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 12, 2019

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

There’s just something about women you find completely irresistible. Probably their reproductive organs.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Your life is about to get a whole lot easier. Unfortunately, the same thing can’t be said for your live-in nurse.


Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Pain will be yours this week when that man from Nantucket finally hears all the terrible things you’ve been writing about him.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

The stars foretell of a mad prophet rising in the moon’s next cycle. They hope this somehow helps you with your life.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

The kinds of changes that await you this week can be readily found within the pages of most high school chemistry books.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will once again lie to your dentist about brushing three times a day, flossing regularly, and not sleeping with his wife at the nearby motel every other Tuesday.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Humiliation will be yours this week when astronomers discover four large satellites orbiting around you.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Sure, smoking won’t make you look cool, but at least it’ll give you an excuse for being so incredibly lame.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Don’t waste time developing a healthy body image, as your body will look a hell of a lot different starting Thursday.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

An attempt at composing the perfect love sonnet will fail time and again this week when you fall for a girl named Orange.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Curiosity will kill the cat this week, though the microwave, duct tape, and Tupperware container will be mostly to blame.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Like a river that has, due to a number of environmental changes, begun to run dry, so too will your life become strained and hard to parse.