Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ve never really imagined yourself as the committed type, but a state-appointed psychiatrist will soon prove you wrong.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Despite your attempts to make it look like an accident, investigators will immediately suspect you of burning down your wife for the insurance money.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your inquisitive nature will soon see you demanding answers to a series of questions ranging from “Huh?” to “Who the—?” and “Whazzat?
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
An agonizing and seemingly endless disemboweling will soon show you exactly what you’re made of.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will soon meet the greatest love of your life, which, unfortunately, has less to do with the quality of the former than the brevity of the latter.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
An old adage will be proven wrong this Thursday when bad things come to you in two-hundred-and-forty-threes.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your perfectionist streak will consume you this week when you attempt to posit the world’s single most precise chaos theory.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong, except maybe for all those police officers, the presiding district court judge, and a horrified jury of your peers.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After decades of soul-searching and inward reflection, you’ll finally realize this week that the question of God was always intended to be rhetorical.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The alignment of the stars and the planets this week can only mean one thing: You’re looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.