Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
They laughed at you for keeping condoms in your wallet "just in case," but never as hard as they will this week.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
A neighbor will approach you under the guise of borrowing a cup of sugar. Provide them with sugar, but be prepared for more to be revealed in the fulness of time.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will get a haircut this week. However, when people ask if you have gotten a haircut, you will enigmatically say "Yes, I got them all cut."
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The angels do in fact hear your prayers. In fact, they record them and play them back for fun at their laughter-filled angel parties.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ll finally stumble upon a copy of the secret book of the Jews only to find it bears an uncanny similarity to the first few chapters of the Bible.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
When your life's work is utterly destroyed in the blink of an eye , you will finally learn once and for all to save before the boss fights.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It will take considerable amounts of food, water, and oxygen, followed by a long period of sleep, to preserve your life for but a single day, a routine doctors say won't work forever.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will have a potentially fatal problem that you at first believe the DJ cannot fix, but as it turns out he can do it in the mix, thereby saving your life.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You've achieved your life's goal of becoming sex on wheels only to realize what a poor motive choice wheels are for someone who wants to have a lot of sex.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll be diagnosed with a rare condition that makes it impossible for you to get started in the morning unless you have, like, three cups of coffee.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Although most of the jabs at your mother's weight are obvious hyperbole, even you will admit that she has a propensity to sit around the house.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be assured that a certain item is made with the same quality and care as certain other items, but you will have reason to believe this is not the case.