Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It’s never too late to start your life over, but hurry, as you only have minutes left.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent in the panda suit.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will be upgraded with improved graphics and greater ease of use, but processor speed remains a problem.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Awesome forces beyond your control will continue to cause pictures and sounds to emanate from your TV.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
As the August issue of Vogue says, being fashion-forward in every aspect of your life is easier than ever. However, this assurance merely serves to confuse you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Strangely, no one will congratulate you when you finally win your lifelong battle with oxygen addiction.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
This will be a lucky week indeed, since no one enjoys a good concussion more than you.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
When you boasted last week that “nothing can stop me now,” you apparently forgot about syphilis.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Investigators from several federal agencies will conclude that the failure of an 89-cent O-ring caused you to explode over Florida.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your fascination with the Vietnam War, combined with your love of romance novels and vampire myths, cause you to produce the worst work of fiction ever.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Don’t worry: Men won’t realize it’s a prosthesis at first, and by the time they do, they’ll have paid and gone.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ve been on hold for three years now and are beginning to suspect that your call isn’t important to them after all.