Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that, Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ll discover the long-sought missing link between humans and apes this week, moments after standing directly in front of your bathroom mirror.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A strange feeling will soon come over you when doctors pull a smaller, screaming woman out of you, a larger, screaming woman.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Despite several face-to-face meetings and a series of concessions on your parts, the ants still will refuse to recognize your truce.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: Your grandfather is more than just a member of the family, he’s a living time machine to the incredibly confused past!
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your job may not help to save any lives, or cure people of fatal diseases, which is a problem, as you’re a highly regarded heart surgeon.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A courageous time traveler will journey back in time this week to save your poorly thought-out student film from a lack of ending.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Nobody really understands you like your husband does, except maybe for every single American who’s ever read a copy of Atlas Shrugged.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A backyard barbecue this week will smell a lot more fun than it actually is.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
After years of keeping the secret to yourself, you will finally break your silence this week on that one thing nobody really cares about.