Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ve raised three children, started a successful business, and made peace with God, but you’ll soon discover that there are some things duct tape just can’t do.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll finally discover what you were born to do when you turn out to be the only person at Gorilla Taco who fits in the combination gorilla/taco suit.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the last time: Once your first male child is dead, the next one in line does not automatically become your firstborn son, so cool it with all the sacrifices.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although the secrets of Heaven and Earth are denied to you, the secret of pancakes turns out to be the use of sour cream.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
They say it’s never too late to do something meaningful with your life, which is a nice idea, but you actually have about nine days.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Kindly strangers will do you a favor this week by removing your blindfold, taking away the stick, and explaining exactly what is meant by the word “piñata”.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Smile, and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone. But if you’re standing over a pile of dismembered infants and there are TV cameras around, you should probably try for the opposite.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will finally meet the man of your dreams, which sounds like good news until you remember some of your dreams.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s simply not true that most people think you’re an anonymous loser. In fact, most people have never heard of you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will soon come into a great deal of money, resulting in your arrest and immediate dismissal from your job as a bank teller.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You’ve seen the evidence and spoken to eyewitnesses, but you still think that Bernese mountain dog puppies are just too cute to be real.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars say that you will have a decent week, but will forget to buy milk on Wednesday and will wear the wrong shoes for the weather Friday. Seriously, there are around 200 billion stars in the Milky Way alone, and some of them can be pretty specific.