Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 31, 2020

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Aries | March 21 to April 19

All of your questions will soon be answered, including what’s that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won’t it stop feeding on us?

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you’d be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.

Gemini | May 21 to June 20

They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they’ve never seen you around a stack of pancakes.


Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Be sure to choose your words carefully this week, as you’ve only got about seven of them left.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.


Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that’s Greg.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Modern design continues to exert too much influence on your life, as you’ll soon be available in six hot new colors, in addition to classic brushed aluminum.


Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it’s quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you’ll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.


Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

You never thought you feared change all that much, but that’s before the temperature started varying by about 100 degrees Fahrenheit every minute or so.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

You’re about to give birth to one of life’s greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it’s the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.


Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your idea was brilliantly executed, but even in today’s instant-gratification culture, you won’t sell more than a few dozen copies of Learn Rock Guitar In 45 Seconds.