Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 5, 2019

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Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Romance is in the air for Pisces this week, as well as on the bed-sheets, the nearby curtains, and in a growing puddle on the floor.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Use the watering-can of good intentions to nurture the fig tree of expectations. There, enjoy figuring that one out, you jerks.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Your life will soon be divided into Pre-Angering-Of-The-Ants and Post-Angering-Of-The-Ants eras.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Don’t let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That’s for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

The stars indicate that you’ve been looking really great lately. Also, the stars indicate that they could really use your help moving next weekend.


Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

You claim that nobody understands you, but then, the strange white men in lab coats are doing the best they can.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

It’s never really been about race, or religion, or even politics for you, which is great, since “it,” in this case, refers to eating a meatball sub.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You can try dancing around the issue all you want, but in the end, you still don’t know what to do with your arms while on the dance floor.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Advances in science will soon allow man to travel to the most distant corners of the universe. Still no word, however, on it being able to get you off that couch.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

If someone had told you 30 years ago that you’d end up an insurance salesman, you probably would have laughed. Then again, you would’ve been 6 months old at the time.