Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’re not the sort of person who panics easily, which will keep you from getting on TV following next week’s volcano disaster.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Sleep will continue to elude you this week, so keep binging on coffee and amphetamines until you have enough energy to catch it.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’re finally ready to put the entire sordid incident behind you, but it’s getting another 50,000 YouTube hits a day.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Mitochondria are passed on through the mother, which is probably why your cells don’t understand what you do for a living and are wondering when you’ll meet somebody special.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember, only you can make yourself feel bad, but it’s important to let people know how much you appreciate their help with it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It’s cute to get a note asking “Do you like me?” including two boxes to check, but the White House stationery makes it a little disturbing.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’ll be called in for the 20th week in a row to testify before a council of your peers on whether or not punk is in fact dead.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars have something important to tell you, but first you must apologize for once again forgetting Lou Rawls’ birthday.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll be taken completely by surprise when the Maritime Administration declares you a derelict hulk and has you broken up for scrap.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
They may not look that great, but they’re not transmissible to sexual partners, and you can always find someone who’s into genital stalactites.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You had no idea the cheetah’s feces-elimination process was so loud, so violent, and so frequently what was keeping you awake at night.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Decide to make the world a better place this week, but not before making sure your stuff goes to the right charities and surviving friends.