Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like the wounded Christ. You’ve been shot.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Remember, the slow cycle of sun, wind, and rain can sunder even the hardest stone, so whatever you do, don’t go outside.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Although Mercury is rising in Venus this week, do not worry; this is just a mystic-sounding horoscope term. No actual planetary collision is taking place.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars will give you fifty bucks if you go over to that guy in the next cubicle who's always talking loudly into his hands-free device and pour scalding hot coffee into his lap.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your sign is usually subject to the rule of water, but in truth, Funkadelic’s “Red Hot Mama” is what really rules.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It doesn’t matter if the other students approve of your “Blood on the Mats” yoga regimen. All that matters are the results.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Everything negative that happens to you this week will be a direct result of you consulting the I Ching, that fallacious oracular slut.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will be given a second chance in life this week due to your employer’s failure to comply with federal regulations regarding the mishandling of radioactive medical waste.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The sun is in Virgo, the moon is in Capricorn, and Cancer is in Taurus this week. You however, are still single.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Few will be able to resist your charms this week, especially if you keep using those sawed-off 12-gauge charms.