Taurus
It’s true you’re learning a lot and being given much to think about, but at some point you’ll have to ask yourself what you really know about this “Jesus Christ.”
Gemini
Animals have sharper senses than humans and can sense coming events, so it’s unnerving when they start wearing bibs and follow you around smacking their lips.
Cancer
You’ve never considered yourself much of a music person, which means you’ll have a lot of adjusting to do after a high-speed collision with a harpsichord leaves you tragically harmonious.
Leo
Autumn is usually thought of as a necessary part of the great cycle of renewal and not a time of looming death, but this year, as the weather cools, you may want to start giving away your things.
Virgo
You’re a remarkably clear-eyed and kindly person, which doesn’t make it any easier for the stars to tell you about your breath.
Libra
An unfortunate time in your life will be unexpectedly extended when the judge explains that he, not you, gets to choose the manner of your community service.
Scorpio
Missing Barry Gibb’s birthday was bad enough, but going on and on about how it was Barry Gibb’s birthday and you missed it is simply intolerable.
Sagittarius
You were in it for the thrills and never cared for fame or money, but all that will change when you discover there are Yelp reviews for people who blow closeted businessmen down by the docks.
Capricorn
The strange thing is, no one has been sentenced to be drawn and quartered in your state since the late 18th century, let alone volunteered for it.
Aquarius
Seeking exactly the right sort of closure in life may prove fruitless, but there’s an odd satisfaction in getting all your loved ones to read their lines correctly.
Pisces
You can believe all you want in fate and destiny, but when all’s said and done, you simply lack the willpower to stay out of doughnut shops.
Aries
You’ll find out once and for all who your real friends are when you take the steps necessary to see who does and who doesn’t name you in their will.