Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Most accidents occur at home, so stay safe this week by living on the streets of a distant city.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
To improve your spiritual health, avoid the myriad temptations of the flesh. This is most easily accomplished by repeating the word “flesh” over and over until it creeps you out.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve always been afraid no one will notice when you die, but take comfort: The swarm of killer bees will be very much aware of what’s happening.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There is little that can truly mend a broken heart besides time. Sadly, you only have about three weeks to learn to love and be loved again.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll learn a lot about yourself this week, but despite that, you’ll still struggle to figure out exactly what you’re supposed to eat.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The stars see many things ahead for you, which is exactly the kind of vague and value-neutral statement they’ve spent the long eons of their existence perfecting.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Saturn and Mars rising in your sign foretell a deadly combination of conflict and the search for knowledge. To avoid sudden murder, try not to read any predictions about your future this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The circumstances of your life will combine in such a way as to grant you possession of a great many lemons. However, all the advice you receive regarding their purpose will be useless and trite.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The resources and knowledge of human civilization will once again be marshaled and brought to bear for the purpose of telling you what everyone’s cat is doing.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
One of the most magical sounds in the world is the laughter of children on Christmas morning, but it’s kind of jarring when directed at you as the flames consume your body.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars would love to tell you what’s ahead for you this week, but they’ve decided they’d rather wait and see the look on your face when it all happens.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Nothing will be able to prepare you for the sense of dread and fear you’ll experience when you suddenly realize your life has meaning and purpose again.