Gemini

Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.

Cancer

At this very moment, hundreds of miles from where you are, some of the world’s greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about sugar-free chewing gum.

Leo

Your actions have not gone unnoticed. Prepare to receive a summons to appear before the House Subcommittee on Talking About Work While People Are Trying to Watch Football.

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Virgo

Efficiency is all well and good, but the FBI agents are right to point out that from now on, kidnap the kid before you send the ransom note.

Libra

You’ll undergo a crisis of conscience when you realize that, despite being a faithful American, you don’t really want to watch anything that’s on TV right now.

Scorpio

The good news is that traveling will be somewhat easier for you after next week, as you’ll never again need to complain about legroom or not having a decent view.

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Sagittarius

The stars are happy to announce that starting next week you will pay your zodiac bill on time, if you know what’s good for you.

Capricorn

The pretty lady’s boyfriend will actually be a lot more polite than he absolutely has to be when explaining to you that who dates her is not determined by an essay contest.

Aquarius

You’re not getting any younger, which means that a certain so-called “wizard” has a lot to explain concerning certain “reverse-aging potions.”

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Pisces

It turns out that whomever you have to sleep with to get a drink around here, it’s not the bartenders, the owner, the waitresses, or the bouncer.

Aries

You’ll continue to inspire those closest to you to try and move away as quickly and quietly as possible.

Taurus

Although your roommate thought it was crazy of you to buy all that plastic sheeting, you’ll come home to find it applied to the walls and floors soon enough.

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