Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 3, 2016

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

An otherwise enjoyable week is shot to hell when you have several phone conversations with people from L.A.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

You’re beginning to wonder exactly who is in charge of quality control for all those treasure maps.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You’ve never been one to take offense at accusations of arrogance, especially since they’re all bullshit anyway.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

It’s impossible for you to get more tail than a dogcatcher—partially because of your poor hygiene, but mainly because you’re a dogcatcher.

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You will abandon your search for the wisdom of the East when it turns out to be devoid of cool kung-fu moves.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Good things will happen when you least expect it, greatly embarrassing you while you’re trying to enjoy a shit in peace.

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Having a girl pop out of the birthday cake was a fine idea, but you really should have given more thought to when the cake is cut.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Next week will feature family scandal, almost a dozen murders, a drowned girlfriend, and lots of manic depression, yet it’s not in any way based on Hamlet.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You will suffer dire consequences after toying with powerful forces you do not understand, namely gravity.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Everything you touch will soon turn to gold, giving the cops a glittering, sparkling trail of nine-year-olds to follow.


Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Your defense lawyer is one of the best, but he will have a hard time blaming those 11 murders on the bossa nova, the dance of love.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You are in grave danger of losing whatever credibility you had as a psychiatrist, which is strange, as you’ve been in floorcoverings for 17 years.