Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You’ve never believed you were the poisoning type, but judging from all the news coverage you’ll get next week, everyone else sure does.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
They say your problem is inoperable, but they’re wrong: It’s just incurable. Go ahead and do all the operating you want.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Don’t be surprised when your body goes through some changes next week. After all, that’s why you’ve been injecting yourself with synthetic horse testosterone.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars will wait patiently while you look up the album art for Ted Nugent’s Cat Scratch Fever, because they want you to know exactly what you look like to them.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It’s good to have a detailed plan in case events take an unexpected turn, but that doesn’t mean you have to go around wiping your fingerprints off everything you own.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Saturn is rising in your sign this week, bringing with it all the pain, misery, and failed business opportunities a ringed gas giant can muster.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You’re a huge fan of those cheesy one-liners uttered by antiheroes right after they kill some poor slob, so good news: Your death will not be in vain.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You had no idea People magazine had a list of the 100 Most Average Bachelors, but it’s still a disappointment when you don’t quite make the cut.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Take heart: You have your whole life ahead of you. Also, take some advice: It would be wise to think of the life ahead of you in terms of quality and not quantity.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
While it’s true life is nothing more than a tale told by an idiot, take heart. After all, you’re an idiot.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite your upcoming experiences this week, the stars still think checking the backseat of your car before getting in every time is pretty paranoid.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Congratulations: Before he got a load of you, the county coroner really thought he’d seen it all.