Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
People say you’re a control freak, but if you had your way, they’d say it a little slower and maybe even a touch louder.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Unexpected and startling events in the coming days will compel you to become more familiar with your monthly menstrual cycle.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Please stop insisting you have nothing left to live for. The phrase you’re looking for is “never had a reason to live.”
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver’s license.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your future as a songwriter ends almost before it begins when you find that someone has already compared the depth, power, and beauty of their love to an ocean.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The universe has a funny way of balancing things out. Prepare to lose your other eye by the end of the month.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
All of those hurtful mother-in-law jokes will come back to haunt you this Friday when you suddenly run out of hurtful mother-in-law jokes to tell.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
There is a time and place for everything, except for your loud and incompetent scat singing.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
For centuries fire was a sacred symbol of vitality and strength. Keep this in mind as you roll around frantically on your kitchen floor this Thursday.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Look to nature for encouragement and inspiration this week. Do this for as many ungodly hours as it damn well takes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll be honored as a true war hero, proving once and for all how dire the situation in Iraq has become.