Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your marriage will soon erode to the point where you’ll be sorely tempted to turn her in for the reward money.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars find that the time has come for you to put away childish things. Yes, that includes your three small children.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
If there is more to life than fishing, you don’t want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be shocked to learn that, due to a legal fluke, your long-term houseguest is now your common-law wife.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Try as you might, you will not be able to improve your mediocre putting game. Gee, some big fucking problems you got, asshole.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
After 14 long years, you will be admitted to the Baseball Hall Of Fame when you finally come up with the $11.50 admission price.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Start childproofing your house now, as a pack of bloodthirsty feral children is headed your way.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It’s true that secret agents have crossed international borders with microfilm hidden in their colons, but you should’ve known better than to try it with three liters of duty-free scotch.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You never thought anything could ever replace sex in your life, but that was before you tried pouring yourself a nice stiff drink, putting on some music, and having sex.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Financial experts know that a number of factors are to blame for the downturn, but they won’t be able to shake the hunch that it was all your fault somehow.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your uniqueness as a human being is threatened when you find a person who enjoys ham just as much as you do.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
No matter how bad things get, or how hopeless life may seem, you can always go home again and take it out on your family.