Scorpio

Don’t worry: You’re more than just a collection of annoying, loosely bundled neuroses. There are some tightly wound and dangerous psychoses in there, too.

Sagittarius

It’s true that your heart is mature beyond your years, which is nice, except in the case of your rapidly aging mistrial and aortic valves.

Capricorn

Someday in the future, humanity will have a healthy attitude toward sexuality, but until then, you have an idea that could make you incredibly rich.

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Aquarius

You are about to embark on a great journey across an infinite ocean of possibilities, unless of course the more cynical theories about the afterlife are correct.

Pisces

Your confusion over the exact meaning of the term “elope” will become apparent this week when parts of the bodies begin to turn up in the desert.

Aries

Venus, the Herald of Love, passes into your sign this week, but it’s so creepy in there that She only takes about six minutes to get out again.

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Taurus

Just keep telling yourself it’s all going to be all right until you finally get it through your head once and for all that you can’t trust anything you say.

Gemini

Although it’s true you can successfully hide certain things in plain sight without anyone noticing, it turns out not to be true of a whole Girl Scout troop’s worth of corpses.

Cancer

You tend to think of yourself as a big, neurotic mess, but don’t sell yourself short. You’re also a big, psychotic mess on top of it all.

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Leo

The stars can’t believe they actually have to say this, but just because you find a recipe that makes pancakes for 1,500 people doesn’t mean you actually have to make that many.

Virgo

You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you’ll still manage to be considered a success.

Libra

Your problem, if you’re honest with yourself, isn’t that you love too much. It’s that you make love to people’s mailboxes too frequently.

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