Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Your former elementary school will recognize you for your impressive body of work this week by warning you to never again come near the playground.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
They may tell you you’re deluded, that you’ve lost your mind, but you know good and well that those jabbering, naysaying radiators in your apartment don’t know what they’re talking about.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The stars see nothing but pain and misfortune in your future, but you probably like that, huh? You sick fuck.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It will seem as if everyone is avoiding you all week long, which will be odd considering that the engorged leech on your neck will be removed by Tuesday.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Robert Culp appears to you in a dream and winks knowingly.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
While you may feel the urge to take everything on yourself, it’s best to slow down and leave the majority of the work to a professionally licensed coroner.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Wisdom says that God will not give you more than you can handle, but then again the Lord Almighty never got his Crocs caught in a revolving door.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Be aware that several of your closest friends may bring up a number of your personal flaws this week, which will make some at your funeral slightly uncomfortable.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your greatest sorrows arise from your strongest assets: Your intuitive drive to please others and ability to do the worm.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars foretell that food will materialize in your refrigerator the fourth time you open it.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will quickly accomplish every goal set out for you at your job this week, which will once again spell peril for 1,200 Detroit autoworkers.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
While some see hourglasses as symbolic of the fleeting nature of existence, they’ll only ever remind you of your teenage summer fling with Chronor, the Keeper of Time.