Sagittarius

You’ve succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.

Capricorn

You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You’ll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you’ll only be awake for a few seconds.

Aquarius

You’re spending less time considering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.

Advertisement

Pisces

Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.

Aries

Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you’re always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Taurus

You’re starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.

Advertisement

Gemini

Don’t worry: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they’re unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.

Cancer

Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person’s constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you’ll make next week.

Leo

This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.

Advertisement

Virgo

The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle-ax to church.

Libra

The constellation Virgo has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.

Scorpio

You’ll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.

Advertisement