Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will undergo a profound personal and spiritual change this week, but no one around you will notice since it doesn’t make you put on pants anymore often.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
While it’s true you’ll never really understand, accept, or tolerate homosexuality, it’s admirable that it hasn’t stopped you from having sex with people of your gender.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The places in the sand where your footprints disappear and only the marks of unspeakably malevolent tentacles can be seen are the part where Cthulhu carried you.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve really tried, honestly you have, but you just can’t drum up the enthusiasm for people to pay you for the things society expects from you.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
As far as you’re concerned, there are only two types of people in the world, and it’s always bothered you that you can’t figure out what they are.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It’s nice that you’re trying to become closer to your coworkers, but really, by now you should have noticed they’re trying to edge away as politely as possible.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It’s a lucky day for you when, instead of making you a better person and serving the greater good, your personal and political beliefs fall neatly in line with you getting everything you want.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There’s an old saying about cows and getting free milk that applies to your situation, at least if you think of the saying as pertaining to having sex with cows.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’re not the most curious person in the world, but this week will see you take a profound interest in the exact meaning of all those red lights on the machines you’re hooked up to.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your plan to dig an escape tunnel over the next three years using only a spoon stolen from the cafeteria will utterly dumbfound everyone else at the office.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
When all’s said and done, some people will actually admire the way you stand your ground and don’t let the escaped zoo elephant just push you around.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars actually indicate a lot less than you think they do, but go ahead and make big changes in the workplace if that’s what you got out of it all.