Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You don’t regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you’re starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After months of soul-searching, you’ll finally decide to write your memoir, but it winds up taking less than three days.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your family will react to your declaration that you don’t want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It’s not the hammer of life that’s going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the last time: It simply isn’t true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that’s only because they don’t count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don’t care that she’s dead.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The game of Zaxxon you began in 1984 finally ends this week, netting you a disappointing fifth place on the high score list.