Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You don’t regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you’re starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
After months of soul-searching, you’ll finally decide to write your memoir, but it winds up taking less than three days.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your family will react to your declaration that you don’t want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
It’s not the hammer of life that’s going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
Apple MacBook Air Laptop
The M1 chip delivers 3.5x faster performance than the previous generation all while using way less power. Get up to 18 hours of battery life.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the last time: It simply isn’t true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You’ve done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that’s only because they don’t count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don’t care that she’s dead.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The game of Zaxxon you began in 1984 finally ends this week, netting you a disappointing fifth place on the high score list.