Scorpio

This would be a bad week to leave your mansion, seeing as how you’ve betrayed about half of the people of Wisconsin.

Sagittarius

True love will careen into your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, dislocate your elbow, shatter your femur, and move on without having noticed you.

Capricorn

When all’s said and done, it’s our experiences that make us who we are. However, that doesn’t explain why you’re assistant manager of the produce department.

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Aquarius

There are some kinds of pain that never go away, but after all these years you’d think they’d come up with a way to get that lobster to let go of your nose.

Pisces

You will never be able to explain to anyone’s satisfaction how all those chickens could just appear out of nowhere.

Aries

Your fear of change means that spending the next few centuries in a block of ice will be extremely soothing, at least until the New Reformed Xalfraxian Alliance thaws you out.

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Taurus

You’ll never again hear a negative word spoken of you, thanks to your sweet nature and an unfortunate incident with a pair of explosive earbuds.

Gemini

It’s unclear whether you’re going to murder ice cream men or become an ice cream man and murder people, but the stars are pretty certain you’re going to be known as the Ice Cream Man Murderer.

Cancer

You’ve never asked anybody for anything in your life, which may be why those expectant waiters have been following you around for years.

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Leo

You’ll become a victim of boredom in the workplace when the technicians figure out a way to make your x-rays a lot more interesting.

Virgo

Although roughly 70 percent of the Earth’s surface is covered by water, that still doesn’t explain why you have to be rescued from drowning all the time.

Libra

You don’t know why people are so freaked out by your collection of bloody children’s underwear. After all, it says Museum of Bloody Children’s Underwear right on the hand-painted sign on your house.

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