Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The stars say there's nothing wrong with being a belt-and-suspenders type, but you should probably reconsider being a leather-shorts-and-no-shirt type as well.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
After taxes, overhead, and legal fees, that million-dollar idea you've been working on for years will wind up costing you about $3,500.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll finally realize a dream you've had since childhood, dear Taurus, when a huge scary monster comes out from under your bed and eats you alive.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The reason for your recent crises of conscience will become clear this week when you discover the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for about a year now.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Next week won't be the best you've ever had, but it will advance medical understanding of genital implosion by leaps and bounds.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
A good friend will be a pillar of strength and support during a harrowing crisis. Show your appreciation by sending this person a note that says, "Thanks for your support."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You'll continue to get away with your horrendous crimes against humanity without suffering consequences, although they will eventually get you for the tax evasion.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You won't be absolutely certain you like the changes in yourself— especially considering you'll appeal to a whole new group of people—after they make a 12-inch dance remix of you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The FDA will realize its mistake too late to prevent your death when it accidentally names you as part of a complete breakfast.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You'll realize that you hallucinated that everyone was wearing business casual all weekend, which explains why Halloween was so awkward this year.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Romance will once again pass you by this week when the love of your life decides to go with a person who makes better mix-tapes.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will get a reasonably good deal on a necessary household item, which is frankly more than an asshole like you deserves.