Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Due to repeated instances of nudity, and loud, often offensive outbursts of profanity, you’ll soon be labeled as NSFW.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your scout leader will soon teach you the square knot, the clove hitch, the lark’s head, and the bowline, leaving each and every one of your limbs securely tied to their respective bedposts.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
All that sugar will finally kill you this week when it falls from the top shelf and cracks the back of your head straight open.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It will end with a big musical number, which is unfortunate, as it will also start with a big musical number, and contain a series of rather large musical numbers.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Alien visitors from another galaxy will soon present mankind with the secret to peace, but not before you shoot the living hell out of them.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it’s the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
If there’s one thing you hate about yourself it’s you lack of firm decision-making skills. Either that or maybe your hair color.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The stars predict a night’s journey over water this week, so go ahead, and break out those rubber sheets once again.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Remember: Being pretty isn’t easy. (Keep this in mind if through some improbable turn, you ever become pretty).
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Delight will soon be yours when you celebrate Black History Month and Valentine’s Day on the same night.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It seems the danger is over for now, but something tells you that you haven’t seen the last of that dastardly villain.