Aries | March 21 to April 19
You’ll feel a strange mixture of pride and terror when NASA announces it will replace the space shuttle with you in launches starting late next year.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Considering how easy it is to get them these days, you’re starting to regret choosing “hugs” over any number of things that rhyme with them.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your theory that your life eerily echoes the events in Casablanca is disrupted even further by the disparity in people’s emotional involvement with their endings.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Every marriage is like a little nation unto itself, and the failure of yours is a textbook example of how investment in education, the arts, and maybe a puppy are desirable goals for civilization.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Sometimes we find amazing things in places we least expect them, whether it’s true love, peace of mind, or, in your case, a pack of furious marauding cannibals.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You have no idea why you’ve been experiencing laughter, tears, a sudden desire for fried chicken, or an impulse to call the law offices of Marvin Falbaum, but it’s probably the TV.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Decent people everywhere will be shocked and appalled by the treatment you received and the conditions under which you were held, but it’s not like their jobs are any better.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll find yourself curiously unfulfilled, if not a little frightened, when you finally learn the answer to the question of who watches the birdwatchers.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
In retrospect, you should have paid more attention to the obvious warning signs, which were of course placed there by the Department of Transportation for just that purpose.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ve been fooling yourself for so long that you’ve lost track of your sense of identity, your joy in life, and which one is actually the real Shroud of Turin.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
If you somehow magically had the chance to do it all over again, you’d do everything in your power to make her happy. You don’t, though, because that’s not the way it works.