Aries | March 21 to April 19
Sometimes words are simply not enough to express how someone is feeling, which is why people keep insisting on defecating on your doorstep.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your quest to become the World’s Greatest Lover will be derailed as you continue only meeting people who think you’d be a really great parent.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your old solution isn’t going to work on your new problem. Try drinking twice as much of it.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You’ve often said you’d like a word with whoever is responsible for all the bullshit, leaving you conflicted when you’re promoted to manager of all the bullshit.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It will be nothing short of inspiring to see how quickly the community mobilizes once your profile goes up on the dating sites.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you’ll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Although you’ll admit you enjoy the new Doctor Who, you resent being referred to as “the kind of person who likes the new Doctor Who.”
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The attention will be nice and all, but until Thursday you’ll have no idea there is a world record for Amount of Crap Put Up with in a Lifetime.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your inability to be spontaneous is well known, which will leave people struggling to put a name to what happens when you combust without warning next Wednesday.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
This is an excellent time for romance in the workplace, leaving you wishing you hadn’t signed that pesky form saying you wouldn’t have any.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’ll experience a sense of bone-deep certainty that you have not lived in vain now that “lying down on top of things” has actually become a fad.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll build a better mousetrap, all right, but your mousetrap will be so terrifyingly good that people will avoid beating a path to your door for the sake of their own mortal souls.