Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 22, 2019

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Plastic bags can wreak havoc on the environment, especially if, like you, people keep using them to suffocate trees.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

And to think you laughed when your high school yearbook named you Most Likely To Be Responsible For The Extinction Of The Frigate Bird.


Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You’ll finally become one with nature this week, thanks to a simple process known as disintegration.

Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

It may be years before your coworkers treat you with respect again, but it will have been worth it for the brief time spent inside the panda suit.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Please stop referring to your bouts of gastrointestinal flatulence as “turning on the ol’ wind farm.” That’s not helping anyone.

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

You’ve never thought of yourself as an innovator in livestock genetics as you have regular sex with them just like anybody else.

Aries | March 21 to April 19

Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

After years of zoological study and careful consideration, you’ve decided that what separates us from the animals is a clever system of ditches and barriers.


Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Bowing to public pressure, manufacturers will soon introduce a new version of you that’s both environmentally friendly and completely free of pesticides.

Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Wilderness sports may be growing in popularity, but people are not yet ready to appreciate your expertise at trout-shotgunning.


Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Children are our nation’s greatest natural resource; keep a stockpile of them in your basement in the event of an emergency.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

There’s something the stars have been meaning to tell you about elephants, but you’ll soon find out for yourself.