Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A mixture of horror and impatience will be yours this week when you become the latest victim of the Doesn’t Really Know What He’s Doing Killer.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
An unexpected visitor will wake you in the middle of the night, rush you to the bathroom, and leave you bloodied and scared. Congratulations, you’re a woman now.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars indicate that it will be bigger than a bread box, smaller than a dump truck, and just about as angry as most baboons can get.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The Bible will stop the bullet dead in its tracks, though why you keep it fastened to your genitals like that is anyone’s guess.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Punctuality has never been your strong suit. Keep those at work from finding out with a series of diversionary explosions this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You’ll fall for the oldest trick in the book, which is rather sad, as it’s the one where everything comes together in the end.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
No matter what path you ultimately take, or what choices you ultimately make, this week will still end with you being shot out of a cannon.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Remember: Women like to be charmed, and wooed, and romanced from time to time, you unbelievable slut.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Surviving this week will hinge heavily on the bear’s ability to understand English, his grasp of such higher concepts as mercy, and whether or not you’ll let go of that honey.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
People and places from your past will come rushing back this week, thanks to a sudden hemorrhage of the temporal lobe.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Either the whole thing is just one big coincidence, or they named a deadly species of bloodsucking parasite after you for a reason.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Starting next Thursday, every walk you go on will automatically be a Cancer Walk.