Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Learn to trust your heart. No one ever grew spiritually as a person by doing what the numbers and the science clearly indicate they should do.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Love is strong in your sign this week. Please be advised that, precession of the equinoxes or not, this is still your sign.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Outside influences will attempt to bedazzle you with strange mathematics and exotic rhetoric about a strange new sign in the sky, preventing you from meeting a dark-haired stranger.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Just as the ancient Babylonians were wise to restrict the telling of the future to a mere dozen signs, you would be wise to start new projects at work this week.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Saturn rising in your sign will subject you to the powerful force of Fate, which everybody knows is stronger by far than electromagnetism, gravity, or the nuclear strong and weak forces.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This would be a good time to beware of those who would make major changes to your dearly-held belief systems.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Vast and mighty cosmic forces stemming from the twelve majestic signs of the Zodiac have conspired to foresee travel in your future. That’s right, twelve majestic signs, not thirteen.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You know what’s a stupid name for a Zodiac sign? Ohpiuchus. It certainly doesn’t sound like a sign that would warn you not to make big financial decisions until the full moon.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Stand your ground if you and a colleague don’t see eye to eye, even if it means you have to open up the sutures yourself.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Faith is the evidence of things not seen, which any well-rounded human being must admit is better than only trusting good hard provable evidence.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This is a good week to spend with family, which is the kind of advice stupid old Ohpiuchus would never have given you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Wait, if an existing constellation has that great an effect on one’s destiny, then why didn’t anyone make a fuss about Eris, Sedna and Quaoar, the planet-sized objects in the Kuiper belt?