Scorpio
Truth be told, you haven’t been a very good father, but it’s not your fault that the mothers of your children haven’t informed you of their existence.
Sagittarius
You’ll receive a recorded message from your future self in which you appear extremely insistent that an unspecified person be thanked for a waffle recipe.
Capricorn
A journey of self-improvement ends almost before it starts when you find out there’s a kind of waffle stuffed with cheese and booze.
Aquarius
Your coworkers seem to be hinting that they wouldn’t mind if you got rid of that beard, but you’ve been married to her for almost 10 years now.
Pisces
Pluto rising in your sign this week indicates vast trouble ahead, as you really shouldn’t be able to see it with the naked eye like that.
Aries
You try to be an accepting person, but you still don’t see why some people can’t be a nice, normal gender instead of women.
Taurus
Turns out that while dogs can’t actually smell fear, they’re really good at smelling who likes to carry bacon around in their pockets.
Gemini
When you think about it, there’s really only one way to quit your job at the refinery in a way they’ll remember for hundreds of years.
Cancer
All celestial signs point to you suddenly coming into possession of a great deal of twisted aircraft-grade aluminum, charred wiring, and burning jet fuel, but it’s not what you think.
Leo
You, your couch, and your TV will be whisked away to a remote island by a wealthy sportsman who has waited all his life to hunt the Least Dangerous Game.
Virgo
Once again, you’ll be saved from boredom by the fact that matches are often given away for free in establishments that sell alcohol.
Libra
It’s not wearing a white dress to your third wedding that people will find odd. It’s the blood of your two previous husbands on the veil and train.