Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you’ll know to provide more than one box to check.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your favorite T-shirt brings about your downfall when a literal-minded mob follows its instructions and fills you to the indicated line with margaritas.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Many have felt the Love Which Dare Not Speak Its Name, but you’ll experience the Love That Bellows Its Name Out A Crosstown-Bus Window All Day.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Once again, the specter of war will dominate international news, preventing people the world over from learning how you made the world’s largest apple pie.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your problem is that you have no sense of proportion, which is why you paid surgeons to enlarge your head and hands.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Some people believe your house in Heaven is filled with all the things you lost while on earth, which explains the dead pets lying everywhere.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
That run for the record books once again falls short when you start Boston’s all-time second-largest fire.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You’ll never smile again after the tragic loss of your lower jaw and lips this week.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
As it turns out, there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The stars wouldn’t take the risks you do, but, hey, it’s your life for the next six months or so.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll be trapped in a hell of your own making, forcing you to admit that you really should have put in more bathrooms.