Aries | March 21 to April 19
Remember: While faith can move mountains, only religion is capable of making you feel guilty for doing so.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion—but then you really couldn’t disagree with them more.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
In a tragic twist of fate, you’ll be overwhelmed this week by both a sense of fear and a pack of wolves
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Strong eye contact and a firm handshake will help you to make significant strides in the world of being a humongous prick this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The stars predict the beginning of a lifelong romance this week, which just goes to show you how wrong the stars can sometimes be.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Years after losing friends and family members to the obsession, you will finally admit that your life-long goal of becoming the Pythagoras of isosceles triangles is not worth the trouble.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Scientists around the world will come to praise you as a true trailblazer in the field of Incorrect Particle Physics.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ll soon learn that, while the truth can sometimes set you free, other times it can send you to prison for murdering your parents.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The sudden rise in mood swings, wild food cravings, and rapid head-to-toe hair-growth can only mean one thing: It’s that time of the lunar cycle again!
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Unfortunately for you, there’s no adage about how to actually dispose of the baby after the bathwater.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve, but someone has to stand up to people who think Ray Combs was the best host of Family Feud.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Not hitting your shots and a weak zone defense aren’t just why your team is losing in the playoffs, it’s why the Centralized Space Command will surrender to the Uranus Allied Forces this Thursday.